The Night God Saved My Life
The Night God Saved My Life
Several years back, I was reading from Psalm 40…
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. — Psalm 40:1–3 (NIV)
I’d read those verses many times before, but for some reason, on this occasion, I was given a fresh revelation about what they meant. Something in the phrase “a hymn of praise to our God” garnered my attention.
Word nerd that I am, I’d just been fixating on the difference between the words ‘worship’ and ‘praise’ — worship being a response to who God is, and praise being a response to what God does. So with this distinction fresh on my mind, Psalm 40 suddenly made a great deal more sense to me…
I had always thought of it like this: When we worship God, others will see our worship, and for some reason unbeknownst to me, our worship is supposed to cause them to fear God and to want to put their faith in Him.
But why telling God that He is holy and good and awesome and [fill in the blank with any other quality that describes Him] would cause an unbeliever to fear Him or put their trust in Him never really made sense to me.
The word in that verse, however, is not not ‘worship’; it’s ‘praise.’ And I believe the difference in word choice is significant.
Each of us has a testimony — a “hymn of praise to our God” — of what He has done or is doing in our life. This is one of the most powerful tools God has given us to turn the attention of a lost world toward Him. Throughout the Bible, we’re given countless examples of this cause and effect scenario (e.g. 1 Chronicles 16:24–25; Matthew 14:13–36; Mark 5:1–20; John 4:1–42; John 12:17–18; Acts 2:1–41), but I especially love how directly it was described in the story of the Samaritan woman: “Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, ‘He told me everything I ever did’” (John 4:39, NIV).
This brought me back to the first two verses of Psalm 40:
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. — Psalm 40:1–2 (NIV)
This was David’s testimony of God’s deliverance. And aside from the waiting patiently part, it sounded strangely similar to my own testimony about the night God saved my life…
The night God saved my life
I recalled one night in particular back in early 2009, during my stint at Florida State University. I was going through some personal stuff at the time, dealing with a lot of stress. To top it off, I had woken up that morning, suddenly and completely overwhelmed with the realization that I truly was struggling with something I’d denied struggling with for nearly a decade.
That reality hit me like a ton of bricks — bricks made of the sticky substances of guilt, shame, and remorse. In a matter of hours, I went from okay to not-so-good to suicidal.
Walking across FSU’s campus that rainy morning, I felt as if I was alone — as if God was far off, and I no longer knew how to find Him. By mid morning, I had planned my own death. I was just waiting for one thing: for God to step in and change my mind. Stupidly — almost mockingly — I told Him, “I’ll give you one more day, God.”
That day passed, like every other, and nothing changed. I went to church that evening, as I did most Wednesday evenings back then, but God felt just as distant there as He had at school. I drove away in tears after the service, screaming at God, telling Him that I was “done.” I was actually on my way to carry out my plans when something (or Someone) prompted me to make a phone call to a friend of mine as a final resort — but not just any friend. “Call Kelsie.”
Unbelievable, I thought. “Really, God?” I shot back at Him. “Of all the people You’d have me call right now, You choose Kelsie?” (Kelsie had a reputation for never answering her phone, you see.) “No, that actually sounds about right,” I added with an air of irreverence.
Nevertheless, I called Kelsie, fully expecting to get her voicemail. In fact, I told God that was all I’d get. I told Him that it was a dumb idea, and that when — not if — she didn’t answer, I would go through with things as planned.
She answered.
Not knowing what to say, I told Kelsie that I was in trouble and needed to talk with someone. She said, “Give me ten minutes, and I’ll be back at the house. Meet me there.”
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry…”
Kelsie sat with me in silence while I squirmed anxiously in my chair. She listened to me as I told her (between sobs) what was going on, and as, for the first time ever, the admission about my struggle rolled off my tongue. When I’d expected her to judge me and pull away, she smiled, laughed knowingly, pulled me close, and said, “It’s no big deal.”
It was like a dam burst, in that moment, hearing those words. All my pent up fears and feelings gushing out, making room for relief to rush in. Those were the perfect four words that I needed to hear right then — the perfect four words God knew Kelsie was going to say to me — the perfect four words God gave to her, to tell me.
I had believed so many lies that day. I believed that God had left me, when He clearly promised that He never would (Deuteronomy 31:6). I believed that my struggle was worse than everyone else’s, when there is no temptation that is not common to man (1 Corinthians 10:13) and Jesus Himself was tempted in every way (Hebrews 4:15). I believed that my life was a mistake, and that others would be better off if I were dead, when all throughout Scripture, we see that God forms each of us with purpose — He makes no mistakes (Psalm 139:13–16; Jeremiah 1:5; Philippians 1:21-26). But…
“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”
It’s been nearly 15 years since that pivotal night — the night when I almost took my own life. And even now, when life throws its curve balls at me, I’m still prone to believe lies about myself, about God, and about others, from time to time. And much like that night many years ago, I still have to be reminded of what is true, when I lose sight of the truth.
But I am still alive today to tell this story. And I am standing on the Word of God, speaking truth over the devil’s lies (in my life and in the lives of others who will read my story) — because of God.
This was the “new song” that He has put in my mouth, my “hymn of praise” to God…
“Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.”
September may be National Suicide Awareness Month, but depression and suicidal thoughts are not confined to a single month of the year, and so it’s important to address these issues at other times as well. And let’s be real — you can be a Christian and also struggle with depression and/or thoughts of suicide. Trust me, I know…
If you’re currently struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, know that you are not alone. You are important, valued, and prayed for; and this life would not be the same without you in it — it would be so much less. So talk with someone. Let someone know you’re struggling. Ask for help, and let someone help you. Please don’t try to fight this battle on your own. We need each other.
And if necessary…
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
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