Why I Stopped Trying to Earn People’s Trust
Why I Stopped Trying to Earn People’s Trust
Many a person proclaims his own loyalty, but who can find a trustworthy person? - Proverbs 20:6 (CSB)
I used to think that earning someone’s trust was something for which to strive. When a friend or a loved one or one of our students in youth ministry would express that they had “trust issues” and didn’t trust me (because they didn’t trust anyone), I would rise to the occasion. My goal from that point forward was to prove to that person that I was in fact trustworthy, so that I could earn their trust.
I would lay my cards on the table, making myself vulnerable, as an invitation for them to lay theirs down as well. I’d relish the opportunity for them to share something with me confidentially, or something that they hadn’t told anyone else yet; and I would keep their secrets. I was honest with them — sometimes painfully so, in hopes that they would be just as honest with me. And I would frequently ask them whether or not they trusted me, so as to gauge my progress.
And when they finally answered, “Yes, I trust you” (if they ever did), I would bear that honor proudly. I had earned their trust. In some instances, I had earned their trust when nobody else could. And they were better off for it. And now, our relationship could grow richer. Or so I thought…
Do you see the problem in that line of thinking, though? Because I didn’t, for a long, long time…
trying to earn someone’s trust
In more recent years, God’s done a work in my heart, and He’s given me a different perspective on the matter of trust: That trying to earn someone’s trust makes it all about me.
I can say all day long that I’m doing it for the other person, but the reality is, when my focus is on me jumping through all the right hoops, and me rising to the occasion, and me being what that person needs me to be, in order to gain their trust, it never really is for them or about them. It’s for me and about me. And when it’s all said and done, my heart posture will always be, “Look what I achieved. How great a friend/youth leader/wife/mom/etc. am I?”
And on a sobering note, I may even have begun to believe that I deserved to know that person’s personal details. But I’m never entitled to know more about someone than they’re ready and willing to share, no matter how trustworthy I have been, or feel that I have been; and if I believe that I am — that I have earned the right to know someone’s personal information by having been trustworthy — that I deserve to know it — then I am not actually trustworthy at all. I’m just self-seeking and have an inflated sense of self-importance.
Simply being trustworthy
The better way — the Jesus way — is simply to be someone who is trustworthy (as much as any human can be). To be someone who strives to be honest, and who is discerningly vulnerable, and who keeps confidences well simply because I don’t make a practice of sharing the private matters of others. To be someone who will patiently listen with compassion or genuine interest if and when someone wants or needs to share about personal matters — whether or not anyone ever takes me up on it; and with no expectation that they will or that they should. This makes it about the other person and what’s best for them, and not about me. This is Christ-like.
If you’re reading this, I’m passing on a bit of wisdom to you that was learned the hard way, through making lots of mistakes.
Don’t try to earn people’s trust. Simply be trustworthy.
In the end, others may choose to share more of their stories with you. Or they may not. I cannot promise an outcome. But if you care to love others well, it will be worth it to simply be someone whom they can trust, if or when they choose to, regardless of whether or not they ever do.
If that is your end goal, to be trustworthy, then your success will be entirely up to you (and Christ within you), and dependent on no one else’s response to you.
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